First place 2: Rachel

When the judges were hashing out the winners, Leah made a passionate argument in favour of Rachel, saying “Holy shit! This is a woman who OWNS herself.” Well hell, I’m convinced.

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“I think of fitness as the state of choosing health and hope and vitality over lapsing into stagnation, complacency, and despair.”

I think this is a conscious choice and it is the fundamental one we make many times a day in terms of how we interact with the world and how we conduct our lives. That said, I think of myself as a model of fitness in that I continue to make positive choices in spite of obstacles.

My list of challenges goes like this: 2-pack-a-day Camels habit from the age of 14 to twenty-six. High school drug addict. Got sober at 18. Smoked and ate like crap through college and grad school. Got married, started cool career. First pregnancy took me to 200-plus pounds. I only lost 11 when the baby was born, much to my surprise. In the meantime, I quit my awesome comic-book editing job to take care of my son. Post-partum depression, loss of identity ensued. Marriage suffered from new baby stress and its own inherent defects. It took me the next few years to drop all that weight and learn how to eat mindfully, something I still struggle with on an almost hourly basis.

Started running, despite a lifelong disposition to laziness. Started yoga, even though I thought it looked a little silly. Had second baby, gained only 45 pounds. Delivered naturally, thanks to “silly” yoga. OM-ed my way through the contractions, which everyone thought terrifically amusing. That was the hardest thing I’d ever done and I was really proud and thrilled that I’d been able to see it through. Baby was vibrant and alert and happy, and I felt terrific, no PP depression.

Started running races, put in all my training miles behind a baby jogger. I am a TERRIBLE runner—slow, ungainly, hate breathing hard. Started running marathons when my oldest son was diagnosed with autism. His condition would set the course for my life over the next few years. Ran a few years of marathons, always came in close to last, but I loved finishing.

Diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Couldn’t run anymore. Joining a gym was prohibitively expensive for the ones that provide childcare. Yoga everyday gets boring. I began a year of dietary restrictions, chelation therapy, getting all the mercury out of my mouth, monthly RA flareups that were very painful and took a while to learn to predict what would set them off. Not being able to run, my it’s-free-and-I-can-bring-the-kids workout, was devastating. No mini accomplishments once or twice a month with a long run or event. No 30 minute quickie calorie-blasting workouts. Just yoga, and fasting, and dental work, and IV chelation, and more yoga, and trying to meditate every day even though I totally suck at it. While holding a full-time job and raising two kids and navigating special services for my special needs kid and trying to stay married and sane and, you know, still be a NICE person…

Now I do whatever I can, whenever I can. My alarm is set for 4:50 am. Most mornings, I manage to get up at 5:15-ish, get in twenty to thirty minutes of kundalini, or a kickboxing video, or some hatha yoga. DVD sare my new best friends. I walk the dogs, run up stairs, drop and do pushups or lunges. I try to swim laps (tho’ I hate getting my face wet, I sputter and flop like a cat so I have to do the backstroke) at the local community center a couple of times a month.

Over this last year, I’ve gained a few pounds, I’m no longer as trim as I was when I was running (slogging) distances, I don’t have as much strength as I did, but my RA seems to have gone into remission, as I was recently able to run with my Westie, Angus, for a 3 and a half mile loop (Howard the Pug is not allowed on runs, as it would probably kill him) and I had no pain. It took me about 50 minutes, but it was a mild rainy Portland day and I can’t express how lovely it was to be able to do it again. I haven’t had a flareup in a few months. I decided to join our local bouldering gym, since it’s something I can do with the kids and they love it. So I do what I can every day, even if some days it means accepting the fact that I’m not going to have the chance to squeeze in any kind of workout and that in itself is not going to “strike me fat.”

So in spite of being almost eating-disordered in my thinking about food and weight gain and my inner dialogue of control/lack of control around food; in spite of feeling like I haven’t the time or the energy to stay fit; in spite of feeling constantly like I am just not cut out to be one of those in-shape people; I do keep showing up and making that choice.

[MK note: check out that sweeeet KISS tshirt!]

And I have the gift of a great best friend with whom I speak on the phone daily. We remind each other how good we feel when we just go do SOMETHING positive and healthful, whether it’s taking the dogs on a poop walk in the rain, or doing five sun salutes in the dining room between sets of laundry, or making the choice to eat organic dark chocolate instead of Taco Bell when we need a fix. So, my long-ass response to your contest is a way of maybe making another connection in my network, a positive gesture toward strengthening my commitment to choosing health and positivity.

Thank you for your site; it is really important to know there is support for living healthfully. Especially in a culture that makes this such a complicated and often difficult choice! Even if the length of this response disqualifies me for the contest, please feel free to use any of it if you think it will help someone else.

Best,

Rachel M